Acknowledgement of Country
I begin by acknowledging the traditional custodians of the land on which I live and work, the Awabakal and Worimi peoples of the Hunter region. I pay my respects to Elders past, present, and emerging and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples. The deep connections they hold to land, sea, and community inspire the work we do in fostering relationships grounded in respect, connection, and love.
Introduction: Who I Am
Hello, I’m Simona, a couple and sex therapist with over eight years of experience helping couples navigate the complexities of their relationships. First couple I counselled were my parents. I wasn’t successful. They divorced when I was 14 years old. Before becoming a therapist, I worked in the corporate world, which provided me with a unique perspective on the challenges of balancing work and personal life. On a personal note, I parent two incredible boys aged 17 and 13. Parenting in our household is an ongoing adventure, especially as we navigate the unique challenges of ADHD and ASD. It’s not always easy, but we make it work with a lot of love, patience, and the occasional backyard BBQ or camping trip to keep us grounded and connected.
Navigating relationships—whether with your partner, your children, or yourself—is a skill that requires practice, compassion, and a good sense of humour. My aim in this guide is to share insights and practical advice on how to understand, address, and heal conflict in relationships. Drawing from the wisdom of experts like Julie Menano, Sue Johnson, John Gottman, Nicole LePera, Emily Nagosky, and Terry Real, I hope to provide you with the tools and perspectives that have helped countless others—and that continue to guide my own journey as well.
Chapter 1: Understanding Conflict in Relationships
Conflict is a natural and inevitable part of any relationship. It’s easy to think that a conflict-free relationship is the ultimate goal, but in reality, conflict can be an opportunity for growth and deeper connection if handled well. The key is not to avoid conflict but to understand it and approach it in a way that strengthens your bond rather than weakens it.
1.1 Conflict as a Doorway to Intimacy
Julie Menano, in her book Secure Love, emphasizes that conflict often arises not because of the issues at hand, but because of unmet emotional needs and vulnerabilities. It’s like the weather vs. climate analogy—while the specific argument (the weather) might seem like the problem, it’s the underlying emotional patterns (the climate) that truly need attention. When partners can shift their focus from the immediate disagreement to the deeper emotional landscape, they can use conflict as a way to grow closer rather than further apart.
1.2 The Role of Attachment in Conflict
Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight delves into the emotional underpinnings of conflict, specifically how attachment styles influence how we react when we feel disconnected or threatened. Whether you’re anxiously attaching by pursuing your partner or withdrawing in avoidance, these patterns often mirror early experiences of how we learned to feel safe and connected. Understanding your own attachment style—and that of your partner—can provide valuable insights into why certain conflicts keep resurfacing and how to address them in a way that nurtures security and connection.
1.3 The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Harmful Patterns
John Gottman’s research, particularly highlighted in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy, identifies four negative communication patterns that are especially damaging in relationships: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. These “Four Horsemen” can predict relationship breakdown if not addressed. Recognizing these behaviours in yourself and your partner is the first step toward shifting towards more constructive ways of communicating.
- Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviours.
- Contempt: Displaying disrespect, mocking, or superiority.
- Defensiveness: Refusing to take responsibility, making excuses.
- Stonewalling: Shutting down and withdrawing from interaction.
1.4 The Role of Self-Awareness and Self-Love
Nicole LePera, in How to Be the Love You Seek, teaches that our ability to navigate conflict is closely tied to our relationship with ourselves. When we are disconnected from our own needs and emotions, we’re more likely to project unmet needs onto our partners. Building self-awareness and practicing self-love are crucial steps in learning to manage conflict from a place of calm and confidence rather than reactivity and fear.
Chapter 2: Addressing Conflict in Relationships
Once we understand where conflict comes from, the next step is learning how to address it constructively. Here are some practical strategies that incorporate the insights of these relationship experts.
2.1 Lean Into Vulnerability
As Brené Brown famously says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” Julie Menano’s work reinforces this by encouraging couples to focus on the “climate” rather than the “weather” in their relationship. This means prioritizing emotional safety over winning arguments. When conflict arises, try to express your feelings from a place of vulnerability. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard and it hurts.” This shifts the conversation from blame to a shared space of understanding.
2.2 Practice Emotional Responsiveness
Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) emphasizes the importance of being emotionally available, responsive, and engaged with your partner. This means paying attention not just to what your partner says, but also to what they’re feeling. It’s about tuning into their emotional needs and responding in a way that reassures them of your care and commitment. It’s okay if you don’t get it right every time—what matters most is the effort and willingness to try.
2.3 Replace the Four Horsemen with Healthy Behaviours
Gottman suggests replacing each of the Four Horsemen with healthier communication patterns:
- Criticism → Gentle Start-Up: Instead of attacking, start with “I” statements that express your feelings without blaming your partner.
- Contempt → Appreciation: Replace contemptuous behaviour with gratitude and acknowledgment of your partner’s efforts.
- Defensiveness → Taking Responsibility: Instead of deflecting blame, own your part in the conflict.
- Stonewalling → Self-Soothing: When feeling overwhelmed, take a break and practice calming techniques before re-engaging.
2.4 Embrace Self-Regulation Techniques
Nicole LePera and Emily Nagosky emphasize the importance of self-regulation—being able to calm and soothe yourself when emotions run high. Whether it’s through deep breathing, taking a pause, or using mindfulness techniques, learning to self-regulate helps prevent reactive responses and allows you to engage more thoughtfully in conflict resolution.
2.5 Set Boundaries and Respect Each Other’s Space
Terry Real’s work, particularly in Us, highlights the importance of setting healthy boundaries and respecting each other’s need for space. Conflict often escalates when partners feel their boundaries are not respected. By clearly communicating your needs and listening to your partner’s, you create a foundation of mutual respect that makes navigating conflict easier.
Chapter 3: Healing Conflict and Rebuilding Connection
Healing from conflict is not just about resolving the immediate issue; it’s about rebuilding trust and connection in a way that strengthens your relationship for the future. Here’s how you can work towards healing after conflict.
3.1 The Power of Repair Attempts
One of Gottman’s key findings is the importance of repair attempts—small gestures or actions that help de-escalate tension and reconnect after a conflict. This could be a sincere apology, a hug, a shared joke, or any action that signals your willingness to move forward together. Repair attempts are most successful when they’re genuine and timely, and when both partners are open to receiving them.
3.2 Create Rituals of Connection
Rituals of connection are small, consistent actions that help maintain closeness. This could be as simple as a morning coffee together, a nightly check-in, or a regular date night. Julie Menano suggests that these rituals help maintain a positive “climate” in the relationship, making it easier to weather the inevitable “weather” of conflict when it arises.
3.3 Engage in Emotional Check-Ins
Emotional check-ins are a proactive way to address issues before they escalate into full-blown conflicts. Set aside time regularly to talk about how you’re both feeling, what’s going well, and what might need attention. This ongoing dialogue helps keep small issues from growing into larger ones and ensures both partners feel heard and valued.
3.4 Practice Forgiveness and Letting Go
Forgiveness is a powerful tool in healing from conflict. It’s about releasing the hold that past hurts have on you, not necessarily forgetting or condoning what happened. Both Sue Johnson and Nicole LePera emphasize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself as much as your partner—it allows you to move forward without carrying the weight of past grievances.
3.5 Invest in Continued Learning and Growth
Relationships are dynamic, and the skills needed to maintain them are ongoing. Emily Nagosky’s work in Come As You Are reminds us that understanding ourselves and our partners is a continuous journey. Investing time in learning about each other, whether through books, workshops, or therapy, keeps your relationship growing and evolving.
Chapter 4: Practical Tips for Everyday Life
Navigating conflict in relationships isn’t just about addressing the big arguments; it’s also about the small, everyday moments that build or erode trust over time. Here are some practical tips for applying what we’ve learned so far in your daily life.
4.1 Communicate with Curiosity
Instead of assuming you know what your partner is thinking or feeling, ask questions with genuine curiosity. This creates a space for understanding and reduces misunderstandings. Phrases like “Can you tell me more about how you feel?” or “I’m curious about what you think” open the door to deeper dialogue.
4.2 Stay Present
When discussing conflicts, focus on the current issue rather than dredging up past grievances. Staying present helps keep the conversation productive and forward-focused. If you find yourself bringing up old wounds, gently steer the conversation back to the present moment.
4.3 Use “I” Statements
Frame your concerns from your own perspective rather than placing blame. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when…” instead of “You always…” This approach reduces defensiveness and makes it easier for your partner to hear you without feeling attacked.
4.4 Pause and Reflect
When emotions run high, take a moment to pause, breathe, and collect your thoughts before responding. This prevents knee-jerk reactions and allows for more thoughtful communication. It’s perfectly okay to say, “I need a minute to gather my thoughts” before continuing the conversation.
4.5 Seek Professional Support When Needed
There’s no shame in seeking help from a professional. A couple’s therapist can offer neutral ground and guide you through difficult conversations with the tools and support you need. Therapy is a resource, not a last resort—it can help you and your partner build skills for better communication and conflict resolution.
4.6 Celebrate the Wins
Don’t forget to celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Recognizing the effort you both put into maintaining and improving your relationship helps reinforce positive behaviours and keeps you motivated. Whether it’s a shared laugh, a moment of understanding, or a successful conflict resolution, take time to acknowledge and appreciate these moments.
Conclusion: The Journey of Connection
Navigating conflict in relationships isn’t about achieving perfection—it’s about staying committed to the journey of connection, growth, and mutual respect. By understanding the emotional underpinnings of conflict, addressing issues with empathy and openness, and investing in the ongoing healing and nurturing of your bond, you create a relationship that not only withstands the challenges but thrives because of them.
Remember, it’s okay to stumble along the way. What matters most is that you keep showing up, keep trying, and keep choosing each other. Whether it’s through a heartfelt apology, a shared laugh, or simply holding each other close, every moment of reconnection is a step toward a deeper, more resilient love.
Thank you for joining me on this journey. Here’s to understanding, addressing, and healing conflict with compassion, curiosity, and courage.
Warmly,
Simona
