How do you leave without damaging your dignity?
Be decisive!
We should never hurt someone by acting insensitively even though your significant other is devastated by your rejection. It is not your responsibility if he is.
Be direct!
Don’t muck around the bush and don’t say “maybe”. End it and do it now.
You could say:
“I really don’t think we have enough to go forwards with.”
She could answer with dignity:
“I guess you are right.”
Before we make the decision to leave we go through:
Drifting
It is happening when you fail to decide about this person. You might be wasting your life. It takes guts to end a relationship that has nothing wrong with it but is not fulfilling either. There are many that just drift for years.
So, you say “it is not just right”. What is not right? What do you get out of it? Do you get paid off with regular sex, cuddles, or group of friends? Think about why you stick around.
Tolerating
In case you start thinking “herm, I can deal with that… it doesn’t bother me that much… everything else is good…”, then it might help if you stop, and reassess the ingredients of your meal (see the blog What you want in a significant other). The price might be too high.
Do you love the lifestyle, of his penthouse more than your complete happiness? Are you trapped?
Avoiding
You know is not right but you don’t want to end it either. Do you think it will fix itself? Do you hope she will work on it?
If only he weren’t so disorganized…
If only she would stop being a victim…
If only he would talk less with his ex…
If only she would be less erratic when she drinks…
Address it now or it may turn to resentment/hostility.
Resentment
This one is the worst one and it is happening when a behaviour repeats itself and your observations are ignored with: “Just get over it, is nothing.”, “I only bla bla bla “
When you mentioned your point a couple of times and your significant other ignores your wishes, we start to overthink it and simmer.
Example of simmering reasons:
– being late, making you late
– his family members coming and going as they please
– you are a neat freak and he is a clutter monster
– the money is spent on…all the time
– sexual rules are controlled by her always
– she loves her phone more than your company
So he is diminishing, trivializing, and ignoring things that are very important to you. These are small things that “are not much”. Small resentments can turn into very very big ones after 5 years. They will fester. I mean, yes, he likes his cars but I mean how many weekends a month is he available for you?
Raging
If:
– your wishes are trivialized
– you are told you are the problem
– you are made to feel Less Than
– you “got at” too many times
you may be raging.
If this is not you, you may be frustrated or angry that you kept enclosed. When you find yourself rehearsing scenarios then you are festering. How long can you do that?
What is the connection between having no control and losing control? It may come from not dealing with the problem effectively. If you tried and it didn’t work then whose fault it is?
Are you going to keep trying to fix it? Give up and resign? Are you going to bury it and let it fester until it blows up?
Sure thing:
A rage full relationship will not last.
If you are enraged then get out NOW or get help NOW. You can also refuse to acknowledge. If the significant other is refusing to acknowledge it she could be part of Narcissist Anonymous or Passive Aggressive Inc. groups.
Labels are not best to be used most of the time, but let’s be honest are you a satellite oscillating around their greatness?
Some personalities could just avoid conflict with a passive resistance which tends to make any earthling crazy.
Boring
Next blog…
I will be talking about the boring state when you are just there.
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Today we have learned from The really useful grown-ups guide to Dating & Mating by Susan Alexander and Christina Taylor
