From the age of 8, our children are starting to discover their identities. It is extremely important to allow and encourage this transformation. This transformation is accompanied by growing symptoms that may bother us. Protecting our teenagers’ identity.
Our teenagers may seem to lose their charm for a period while they forge their identity away from the family, forming new markers to help them develop and adjust to new groups. But parents haven’t lost their precious child. As they feel safe within their new friend groups in high school and university, their need to distance themselves from you will lessen, and their better qualities will reemerge. The teenage brain can sometimes be as intense as that of an undomesticated wild beast. Even though it might be challenging for you as a parent to show concern for their feelings during this time, keep trying. Be optimistic that their prefrontal cortex (the brain’s front part) will eventually catch up.
Teenagers and young adults in their early twenties may behave erratically because they haven’t yet found their place in the world. Insecurity, often rooted in fear, can trigger a biological instinct to lash out. The challenge of finding a role and forming an identity is a significant and daunting task for them, which can lead to turbulent behavior.
Just before we solve an obstacle in our life we are at our worst. To find their way, youth require understanding and support and they don’t know how to express themselves so they act out of frustration. For family and society, this acting out is not convenient at all. We should never call someone “horrible”. On the opposite, at this stage they need all the help they can get.
When we help someone we make it easier for them to help themselves.
When we save a teenager by doing stuff he can achieve alone, we take their power away and make it worse. At this point, we could be next to them as a trampoline for them to bounce their ideas off when they are choosing their university, but they have to choose what and where they go to study. They have to find and book their spot but we can tell them that most courses have open days. We may share our knowledge but we are not imposing on them what to do.
If our teenager is antisocial and “inappropriate” we may say: “he’s got in with a bad lot”. Peer pressure is irresistible. Possibly each parent in that group could say similar words. For the other parents, your teenager is the worst of them all. This is a human and normal way and we all are guilty as charged. Instead of admitting that our child is guilty of the deed we blame others to protect our virtuous “goody touchy” title.
When we lecture we steal our children’s chance to develop their identity.
What you should do next:
